Endlessly Hypnopompic

Moving house

2006-10-30T23:03:00.000+08:00

Checking out the Word Press neighborhood. So far, so good.

Please visit me there instead at http://hypnopompicpinay.wordpress.com. This place will be shuttered soon.

See you there!

Bridget Project Revisited

2006-08-26T09:02:00.000+08:00

So what happened to the Bridget Project? Eighteen months later, I'm now 15 pounds lighter. And it's been a year since the last time I lit a cigarette.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Resuscitation

2006-08-26T00:51:00.001+08:00

re-sus-ci-tate –verb. to revive, esp. from apparent death or from unconsciousness.

Here's another attempt to resuscitate this blog, hopefully a more successful one.

Having shifted to an IBM Thinkpad from a Powerbook G4, my first experiment is to upload an image. Sure, many of my Mac-loving blogger friends started uploading pictures since the day they started blogging but my first attempt was so discouraging I swore to try it again when I'm finally PC-bound. Apologies to Adel, JV and the PhilMUG guys but hey, this very busy Mom simply can't afford futzing.

In fairness (as they say in showbiz) to Apple, it seems the easier upload has nothing to do with my shift. It's mostly due to the fact that Blogger no longer requires a third-party solution. Maybe it's been this way for some time now but I didn't even bother to check before, simply because the first time was such a harrowing experience!

As for my choice of image - nothing can be more appropriate than an ankh, the Egyptian symbol of life. I particularly it because it's the accessory of my favorite Sandman character.

And, speaking of Sandman, it's been a year since the first Philippine book signing tour of the graphic novel's creator, Neil Gaiman.

Two things made that event very memorable for me. First, my boss was cool enough to honor my one-week notice and let me take that Saturday off from work despite the emergency meetings brought on by the previous day's failed revolution triggered by the Hyatt 10 (although he kept me busy on the phone). Second, we registered at the Rockwell Tent at 10:30 a.m. and finally got my roommate's books signed around 1:00 a.m. the next day!

"Sleep well," Gaiman wrote.

A Humiliating Christmas Encounter

2005-12-28T19:54:00.000+08:00

I was praying hard Monday night that no one I know would see me when I went to the grocery. With no sleep, no make-up, and battling extreme body pain (which I now realize was an early sign of a flu), I rushed zombie-like (parang Night of the Living Dead) to buy much-needed supplies.

Of course, as fate would always have it when you don't want to be seen, someone yelled my name at about ten minutes into this ordeal. I froze like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights of a speeding car before finally deciding to turn ever so slowly, still praying that I was just imagining things.

Lo and behold, it's Bon Moya (myAyla GM and a friend from my college days) in his usual perky self! "Aaaarggh! What did I do so wrong this past year to deserve such humiliation?" I moaned to myself.

"Merry Christmas! Hina-hunting ka ng mga tao sa e-groups," Bon said.

"Merry Christmas! Sige, will check it out," I replied, trying to end the conversation as quickly as I can. I made a mental note: it must be that Kalayaan (UP Diliman's dormitory for freshmen) e-group someone else emailed me about last week – I must have my listed address changed and seriously think about junking that Pacific subscription.

Just as I was assuring myself that it was going to be a short and painless encounter, Bon said, "Sige, I'm shopping with my kids. Have to find them. Get some sleep."

That did it! My defensive self went into a monologue on how my roommate and I had to rush our (barely) two-year-old baby to the Cardinal Santos emergency room the night before. We spent the better part of Christmas taking care of him since he was having his second worst asthma attack for the year. Our baby was eventually sent home after they replaced his meds with more serious steroids. Since we got home, our schedule had been nebulization every four hours and oral meds in between. And that's why I looked like I had not slept in a million years!

"Ok, I hope he gets better. Anyway, at least, I still recognized you," Bon said.

"Thanks!" And I went on with my task wondering if "at least, I still recognized you" was Bon's attempt at kindness or sarcasm.

Thanks, Bon, for making my Christmas memorable! Now, that's being sarcastic. :-)

The Tennessee Watch -4

2005-10-15T06:58:00.000+08:00

Oak Ridge or Eastern Standard Time (GMT -5)

Arrived last Wednesday from Vanderbilt, after the very able nurse Tisha helped Ate Bem with her discharge procedures. Made two short stops – first at a Chili’s where we ate in the parking lot (didn’t want to expose Ate Bem to possible pollutants) and the Putnam rest area one-fourth of the way to Oak Ridge.

Friends and neighbors cleaned and redecorated Kuya Boyet and Ate Bem’s house for autumn. They also sent over a lot of food. This community spirit is sure helping Ate Bem recover quickly. Not to mention all the paper and electronic get-well-soon cards.

She is doing great with her three-times-a-day three-minute walks. All her surgical wounds seem to be healing nicely. The only thing that’s really bothering her is her cough – apparently the body’s reaction to all the unnatural fluids pumped into her and irritation from the tube pushed down her throat.

The overriding concern now is getting me home by Monday, as promised to family and people at work. My flight has been moved twice. That is the risk, of course, of traveling as a non-revenue passenger.

So, okay, we’ve been pushing our luck and it’s time to pay for a ticket. I’m leaving tomorrow and should be home by Sunday night. That’s just enough time for my roommate to debrief me on our sick 22-month-old before he leaves for Tokyo early Monday morning.

In the meantime, I’m enjoying Kuya Boyet’s cooking: angel hair pasta with shrimp in pepper and white wine sauce for dinner last night; and broiled ribs with glazed carrots and organic spinach for lunch today. Tonight’s menu is chicken marsala and bananas foster for dessert.

Hmmm… a very nice end to a very stressful two weeks.

The Tennessee Watch -3

2005-10-12T20:31:00.000+08:00

Nashville or Central Standard Time (GMT -6)

8:31 am, Hospitality House

There is absolutely no limit to His miracles.

One of the things that worried me on my way here to the US is that we see a miracle everyday with Kuya Boyet, who is "living on borrowed time" with his polycythemia, and to ask for another miracle for Ate Bem seemed too much.

(Polycythemia is a rare condition where the body produces too many red blood cells. The major cause of death is thrombosis or blood clots that lead to heart attacks or strokes. To survive, a patient has to undergo regular phlebotomy or drawing of blood, among other things. Kuya Boyet was told many years ago that he didn't have much time left and yet, he is still with us.)

But Ate Bem's speedy recovery has proven that my worry was rather silly. Her doctors call it "remarkable." Nurses call it "a miracle."

Myocarditis, an inflammation of the heart muscle, is also a rare disease and, most of the time, doctors cannot explain the exact cause. ( http://www.texasheartinstitute.org/myocard.html ) It can be a number of things but Ate Bem's doctors suspect it's a viral infection she might have picked up while hiking the Smoky Mountains (although there are no signs of the usual tick bites that transmit such viruses). Her blood samples are being checked against known viruses in Tennessee.

Ate Bem's speedy recovery is really a miracle in itself (a 17-year-old guy
who was flown in four days ago with the same illness didn't make it).
But what really baffles doctors now is how her latest tests show a
normal heart function of 55% (normal is 50%) when it has gone to as
low as 5% and enzyme tests during her heart failure episodes were at
lethal levels. Normally, when parts of the heart get damaged, these
turn into scar tissue that do not help in pumping.

We still don't understand it fully but we are all very thankful that
she is still with us.

Ate Bem is also happy that her three teams of doctors (endocrinology, infectious diseases and cardiology) and students (it's a university hospital) have obviously been encouraged by this experience. There was a bounce to Dr. Slosky's step when he went to her room and told us the good news about her latest echocardiogram. The lesson for them : never give up on anyone, no matter how hopeless things may seem.

PS - Kuya Boyet has taken to calling the CVICU Rivendell, the House of Elrond.

The Tennessee Watch -2

2005-10-10T10:22:00.000+08:00

posted 9:30 pm, Sunday, October 9, Nashville or Central Standard Time (GMT -6)

October 9, 2005 / Sunday / 4:45 pm / 7th Floor Waiting Room

With Ate Bem now out of the woods, I thought it was a good idea to post a short timeline on what happened (for the benefit of those who didn’t get the full story from the emails of family and friends):

Wednesday, September 28. Ate Bem had a fainting spell in the morning but was able to go to work still. While preparing for bed that night, she fainted and Kuya Boyet called 911 because he could not get a pulse. She was rushed to the Oak Ridge Methodist Medical Center. She had two cardiac arrests.

Thursday, September 29. Ate Bem had a third cardiac arrest.

Friday, September 30. She had a seizure so the doctors ordered a CT scan to rule out brain tumor. A pericardium window (incision in the chest area) was made to take a biopsy of the heart sac and drain the fluid that encased the heart. Her blood pressure plummeted and her heart rate rose to 170 beats per minute. She was put on respirator. Family members in Manila were advised of the possibility of open heart surgery.

Saturday, October 1. She was airlifted to Vanderbilt at 11:30 am when Oak Ridge doctors decided there was nothing else they could do to help her. Upon arrival, she got 12 drips and doctors were able to bring her heart rate down to 150 bpm.

Sunday, October 2. She was diagnosed with myocarditis, an inflammation of the heart muscle. Balloon pumps were installed through her thighs to help her heart beat as heart function was at 10%. Heart transplant became a possibility.

Monday, October 3. She showed the first signs of stabilizing, due mainly to the effective management of her medicines (read: the drips). Respirator was removed.

Tuesday, October 4. Balloon pumps were removed. Ate Babylit, Mommy Binay, Kuya Bob and I arrive at Vanderbilt. Were advised to rest, wash up and come back the next day to avoid giving Ate Bem an infection.

The rest is as posted previously in this blog.

Ate Bem just finished her third walk for the day.

October 9, 2005 / Sunday / 3pm / 7th Floor Waiting Room

Today is a very, very good day.

Ate Bem had two five-minute walks this morning – the second one without her drips. She also took her first shower. I finally got to do what I’ve been wanting to do since I got here – shampoo her hair.

There was apparently a bit of a scare last night as she came down with a fever, suggesting that she may be having another infection. They took the tube sticking out of her neck since it could start an infection, having been there for almost a week already. They also gave her new antibiotics. One of the doctors in her “infections” team peeked into the room today and was glad to see that she was doing much better.

Kuya Boyet dropped Caleb and I at the hospital at around 9:30 am. We saw Dr. Slosky as he conferred with the other members of the “cardio team” before entering Ate Bem’s room. We then stepped out of the room since I had to take Caleb to the waiting room while Ate Bem talked to her doctor. When we went back to see her, Ate Bem said she may be able to go back to Oak Ridge on Wednesday or Thursday.

Ate Agnes and her family also came to the hospital just before lunch and stayed long enough to say hi to Robin and Roger, who arrived at 2pm from Oak Ridge.

Robin took care of Caleb the whole time that Kuya Boyet stayed with Ate Bem here in Vanderbilt. Kuya Boyet went home only last Wednesday to see Caleb, in time to prepare for his birthday party at school.

October 8, 2005 / Saturday /11 pm / Hampton Inn

There’s been more progress with Ate Bem today. She took a five-minute walk in the hallway without getting winded.

The biopsy turned out negative. The doctors also say that there seems to be no structural damage to the heart.

They are trying to get her to do more and more things on her own to check if any of her bodily functions have been compromised. Everything seems ok except that her balance is slightly off and the nurse put a “fall risk” sign on her door. The problem doesn’t appear to be a permanent one.

Her long-time friends from UP Los Banos, Ate Agnes and Kuya Eric, arrived around lunchtime with their two kids – Joyjoy (8) and Alisha (4). They just had a five-hour drive from their home in Mississippi. Ate Agnes brought her homemade corn bread and chicken pasta. Ate Agnes and Kuya Eric were here earlier in the week to help Kuya Boyet get through the toughest times.

The hotel was crawling with fans of the Louisiana State University basketball team, which is playing against the Vanderbilt team. I gathered from Ate Agnes that the LSU team just recently trashed the Mississippi team. At least the Louisiana folks have something to cheer them up, after the recent disaster from Hurricanes Katrina and Rita.

Turned the Hampton room into a crash pad with Kuya Boyet, Caleb, Ate Agnes, Kuya Eric, Joyjoy and Alisha.

Chatted on YM with Maan (on news about the Philippine Internet Commerce Society), Ate Babylit (on my return flight and the latest on Ate Bem) and Anna (on the simple birthday dinner my roommate had for our eight-now-nine-year-old).

The Tennessee Watch -1

2005-10-09T01:22:00.000+08:00

posted 12:30 pm, Saturday, October 8, Nashville or Central Standard Time (GMT -6)

October 7, 2005 / Friday /12 Midnight / Hampton Inn

Left Ate Bem at 9 pm. She was finally moved to her regular room after lunch. She looked so much better although she still needed some tests and continued to take some of her medicines by IV through a major vein in her neck. We hope to get a better idea tomorrow on her cardiac therapy and her getting transferred to Oak Ridge by early next week.

Kuya Waldy, Ate Bem’s former boss at ORNL, and his wife, Ate Estela, brought us food for lunch. We had a little picnic with Kuya Bob at the VUMC cafeteria (basket and all).

After a long drive from Oak Ridge, Kuya Boyet arrived with Caleb in the early evening. Caleb is celebrating his eighth birthday today. Seeing them both surely cheered Ate Bem up.

Spending the night with Kuya Boyet and Caleb at the Hampton Inn. Left Kuya Bob at the House across the street. He seems to be coming down with something. We hope it’s not the flu.

Just finished chatting on Yahoo! Messenger with Anna, my younger sister in Manila, and Marilyn, former colleague at INQ7.

Off to bed. Have to do my laundry before going back to the hospital tomorrow.

October 7, 2005 / Friday / 5 AM / Hospitality House

Was back at Ate Bem’s room as soon as visiting hours resumed last night. (CVIC Visiting Hours -- 10:00am to 5:00pm / 8:30pm to 10pm) Packed her bags for today’s move to the regular room and helped her with more grooming. She really looked much better. Almost everyone in the staff commented about how great she looked compared with the way she was last Saturday.

Switched with Ate Babylit at 30 minutes before closing so they could have a chat. She dropped me off at the House at 4am (about an hour ago) so she could catch the first flight out. Also needed to leave the CVIC waiting area as things were getting too rowdy for us to get enough rest.

October 6, 2005 / Thursday / 5 PM / CVIC Waiting Area

Just left Ate Bem’s room. She has been making small victories each day. Today was going to the bathroom.

Dr. Slosky, her cardiologist, also says she can be transferred to a regular room tomorrow and start cardiac therapy.

October 6, 2005 / Thursday / 3 PM / CVIC Room 5010

Got to see Ate Bem her again at 12 noon. I walked in as she was having her lunch. They finally did the biopsy, taking seven samples from her heart. She was visibly tired and was back on several drips for a while until they only had the antibiotic.

Cleaned her hair with a comb and a washcloth, which was a good thing because Randy Blakely, a genetics professor and director from Vanderbilt University’s Center for Molecular Neurology, walked in a few minutes later. He just learned from a colleague that she was here so he thought of coming to see how she was. They apparently collaborate on some projects. When I heard the word “genome” in their conversation, I naturally zoned out.

Although her main doctor is Dr. Slosky, she has so many other doctors attending to her that it’s difficult to keep track of who is in charge of what. One of them checked out her incision from the biopsy and said that they would have to keep for the rest of the day that tube draining liquid from her heart. Another one walked in to check on her lungs and said that they also needed to do something about the fluid that’s also accumulating on the right side of her chest. She’s been coughing since Monday.

Ultimately, the doctors need to: 1) find out for sure how she got the infection and if there is still a danger of the incident recurring and 2) determine when she can go home and what she needs to do to recover.

Vanderbilt University obviously has a huge compound. It seems to me that the entire community supports the hospital. All the hotels in the area have special discounted “medical rates.”

Ate Babylit, Mommy Binay and I spent our first night at the Guesthouse Inn where they charge $60 for guests with patients at the hospital and $90 for those without. There are also several bigger hotels/inns like Marriott and Days Inn.

Then there is the Hospitality House, where a maximum of two family members per patient can stay. Mommy Binay and Kuya BongBong (Kuya Boyet’s brother who flew in from North Carolina over the weekend) spent last night there and they checked out at 4am this morning to fly to Raleigh. Ate Babylit and I went there this morning to shower, have breakfast and do our laundry.

We learned from the House manager that there are only ten rooms in this facility and they usually house patients who have just undergone organ transplant (heart, liver, kidney, etc.) and cancer outpatients who need chemo or radiation therapy. Again, we were fortunate to get one room.

Each of the rooms has a sponsor. Many of the things at the House are donated by the community, as well as families who stayed there in the past. The pantry and two large refrigerators are stocked with donated food. There are always pastries in the kitchen island and snack bags (assorted cookies, juice and crackers) are available for guests to just take to the hospital.

The Hospitality House was established in the 70s when a family of a Nashville teen, who had to undergo therapy following a brain injury from a car accident, thought of setting up a halfway house for families of patients.

October 6, 2005 / Thursday / 5 AM / CVIC Waiting Area

Spent last night with Kuya Bob and Ate Babylit at the common waiting area of the Cardiovascular and Neuro Intensive Care Units. There must be about eight or ten families here from all over America. Kuya Bob told me one family arrived from Kentucky last night.

The hospital is set up so worried family members can be as comfortable as they can get. In the waiting area, there are sofas and reclining chairs, two large TV sets, a small dining area, unlimited coffee, two private rooms (one each for the CVICU and the NICU) for family consultations with doctors and huge restrooms where we can even shower. The staff gave us blankets, towels and pillows. As you can imagine, different families are huddled in different parts of this big room.

The doctors were unable to do the biopsy scheduled for 5pm yesterday because they were very busy with the new patients who were just flown in. We could hear the Medivac chopper in the background almost every thirty minutes and more families poured into the waiting area.

The postponement was a good thing because Ate Babylit and I were able to give Ate Bem a sponge bath of sorts and a light back massage. And, Ate Bem got her first good night’s sleep in a long while.

October 5, 2005 / Wednesday / 6 PM / Library

Finally got to see Ate Bem at the Vanderbilt University Medical Center (VUMC) in Nashville, Tennessee at 11am (12 midnight Manila), Wednesday, October 5 after about 36 hours of travel time (arrived at around 9pm last night). Had to wear a mask because I caught a cold while in transit.

Her condition has improved a lot. She’s off life support (after three cardiac arrests, I was told) and can already sit up. They have taken her off some drugs. Thankfully, the doctors were able to stabilize her without need for open heart surgery or, worse, a heart transplant – possibilities we were told to prepare for. They only needed to make an incision to explore her heart and drain the fluid that encased it.

The trip was quite an experience. Met Mommy Binay (mom of my brother-in-law, Kuya Boyet) at the NAIA. Kuya Bob, long-time friend and pastor of Kuya Boyet and Ate Bem when they lived in Los Banos some 20 years ago, came from Bangkok. All three of us left Manila for Guam at 11:55 Monday.

Ate Babylit, Kuya Boyet’s younger sister, met us at the gate in Guam. As an aircraft dispatcher of Continental Micronesia, she was the one who managed to get us to fly on short notice.

We went MANILA-GUAM-NARITA-NEWARK-NASHVILLE. Our luggage apparently got bumped off in Manila. They arrived in Nashville around lunch today.

Ate Babylit and I were able to email friends and family using the facilities at the Library right next door. Medical students and family members can also come to this library to research on patients’ records, provided they get signed clearance from the doctor.

Hiatus ends

2005-05-29T00:28:00.000+08:00

The long silence is by no means due to a lack of things to write about. On the contrary, things have been so hectic, I rarely have the time to sit in front my iBook. Here are some highlights from the past month or so:

April 21, David Osborne. Attended the 2005 Enrique Zobel Lecture Series, with David Osborne discussing his latest book, The Price of Government . The author is more popularly known for his earlier book, Reinventing Government. The audience was a good mix of private sector and government representatives. Among the reactors were Sec. Boncodin, Bill Luz, Dong Puno and Mayor Binay.

Osborne talked about the need to budget for outcomes, allowing agencies with the best programs to compete for funding and giving government executives enough room for creativity. In the Philippine setting, it seems this is a tall order considering a huge part of the government's budget goes to salaries and debt servicing. With the deficit and corruption in the service, it is no susprise that providing officials flexibility in their budgets is not a priority at this time.

The need for a strong partnership between the private sector and the government was emphatically pointed out by Finance Undersecretary Noel Bonoan, one of the key movers of anti-corruption programs.

Most of us in the room also seemed to agree that what we really need right now is a constituency for change that allows the leadership to make bold decisions.

April xx, Prednisone. Found out sometime last month that my difficulty in losing weight may have something to do with my skin asthma medication. Worse, Prednisone (a corticosteroid) can apparently lead also to excessive hair growth (bearded women!) and a buffalo hump (redistribution of fat to the back of the neck), along with other less humurous conditions.

May 6, Makati. Accidentally hit a Jollijeep (that stainless steel, mobile turu-turo that has proliferated in this city) while trying to parallel park in front of Starbucks on Alfaro St. It was Araw ng Makati so the store was closed and the street practically deserted. Not a scratch on the Jollijeep but a slight dent on my rear bumper.

At least there was good news that day. Tessa Valdes safely gave birth to Athena the night before.

May 13, Toradol. The heat finally got to me. A severe migraine sent me to the Cardinal Santos emergency room, where I was given Toradol (a fast-acting pain reliever) by direct IV. The memorable thing about this trip was that the nurse who gave me the shot commented that this was the drug of choice of most ER staff suffering from headaches. She seemed to have regetted her remark as soon as I raised my left brow.

May 20 to 22, Bataan. Went to Bagac, Bataan for a three-day teambuilding activity with my officemates. This culminated in a visit to Mt. Samat where a huge cross (the Dambana ng Kagitingan ) stands as a monument to the valor of Filipino and American soldiers who fought against the Japanese during World War II.

I could not help but shiver as I read on the walls of the building at the foot of the cross the story of the Battle of Bataan, which ended in the infamous Death March. Its poignant last line: "Our mission is to remember."

As I gazed into the horizon, I saw the reason why Filipino and American soldiers gave up their lives to protect this mountain and the Japanese simply had to conquer it. A key observation post in times of war, Mt. Samat offered a magnificent view of the peninsula. A view that evoked in me a feeling of both awe and dread. Awe at the beauty of the expanse and dread of the visions of a bloody war.

May 26 & 27, Podium. Watched Star Wars with my roommate Thursday night. Our eight-year-old joined us for Madagascar Friday morning (the last of our four-day workweek).

I found both movies enjoyable but my roommate was disappointed with Star Wars. He did admit that it was an improvement from the latest two installments -- the first one ruined by the antics of Jar Jar Binks and the second one by the saccharine love story of Anakin and Padme. But, as a long-time fan of the series, he had such high expectations.

We both fidgeted during the first two-thirds of the movie. George Lucas was never known for a good plot, my roommate commented. I agree, although I did enjoy the way Lucas juxtaposed the Skywalker twins' birth with Anakin's transformation to Darth Vader. I think he did too, although he could not resist adding: "What guy would be able to resist becoming Darth Vader if his wife keeps calling him 'Annie'?"

And thus ends my hiatus from blogging. I hope.

Habemus Papam!

2005-04-20T22:18:00.000+08:00

My roommate woke me up at just past midnight to join him in watching CNN's coverage of the conclave. "We have a new Pope," he said. That was quick, I thought.

After less than two days and by the fourth balloting, Cardinal Ratzinger from Germany emerged as Pope Benedict XVI.

Naturally, my roommate and I had a discussion on what the implications were for the over one billion Catholics like us. "At least he didn't choose Pius or Leo," my roommate said. At least he's not Italian, I thought.

No female priests then. No birth control. After all the speculations and analyses, I told him that we just gotta have faith that this is as it should be.

As if to confirm what I just said, this morning's scripture reading (I use Our Daily Bread, by the way, a non-Catholic prayer guide) was from Proverbs 3:5 : "Lean not on your own understanding."

Mabuhay ang Santo Papa!

Truly Catholic, truly universal

2005-04-08T22:36:00.000+08:00

Don't mean to publish three posts in a row about the dead or the dying. But, it just doesn't seem right for me to be blogging today without mentioning one of the most historic events of our time.

Pope John Paul II was laid to rest.

It's only fitting that the most respected, if not most-loved, man of our day was given what has been dubbed in the media as the world's biggest funeral. About a hundred leaders of states and religions paid their respects. Kings, queens, presidents and prime ministers. Two million pilgrims trooped to Vatican in a week, with only half of them getting a chance to actually file past his body.

It's not really suprising. In his 26-year papacy, he has visited the most number of countries among all Popes and has gathered millions of the faithful together on numerous occasions.

I'm not what would be considered a devout Catholic. I try to go to Church every Sunday and read the scriptures everyday. But I don't necessarily agree or follow all of the teachings and rules of the Holy See.

Yet, I was among the millions who trooped to Luneta when he came to Manila in 1995. My boyfriend (now my roommate) and I joined some friends and slept in our sleeping bags under a Calachuchi tree. When the Pope finally arrived the next day, I just had to climb the tree to get a better look at him with my friend's binoculars.

What's with this man that draws millions? His charisma maybe. But, I think it's the way he lived his life and delivered his universal message of love. And we all know where that ultimately comes from.

We will miss you, Santo Papa.

A Prayer for Terri

2005-03-26T22:07:00.000+08:00

Had an hour-long phone conversation with my sister from Tennessee at close to midnight last Thursday. She wanted to check on our 90-something year-old Lola Maru who is based in Lanao del Norte in Mindanao.

I have no news myself other than that Lola moved in with our spinster aunt, Nenen, a few months ago. Lola needs a constant companion because of her age but is generally doing well.

My sis was apparently moved by the Terri Schiavo case, which has dominated much of American media these days. She got to thinking about what she would do if one our own needed special medical care.

Terri made international headlines early this week when President Bush signed a bill passed by Congress to transfer jurisdiction of her case so a federal judge can review it. She suffered brain damage in 1990 and, until last March 18, received nourishment and hydration through a tube connected directly to her stomach.

Terri's case is basically a legal tussle between her husband and her parents. After a falling out with Michael, the Schindlers petitioned a court in 1993 to remove her husband as legal guardian. In 1998, Michael petitioned the court to remove the feeding tube as the doctors he brought in testified that Terri was already in a "persistent vegetative state." Her parents' doctors argue otherwise.

Michael claims he only wants to grant Terri’s wish not to be sustained by artificial means. Some doubt has been cast in local American media on his real motives, particularly since he already has a new family and the $1 million awarded to the Schiavos from a malpractice judgment in 1992 ran out about three years ago.

There are obviously a number of similar stories on “euthanasia” and/or assisted-suicide in America. However, Terri’s story gained international attention because of the political ramifications for Florida governor Jeb Bush as the US President’s presidentiable brother and the opposing national right-to-life/right-to-die movements.

Beyond the politics and the legalese, the moral dilemma of the case is really something to think about this Holy Week.

It was therefore no surprise that my conversation with my sister was longer than usual. We ended it only when her son, who's on spring break, called her attention to the time. As soon as I put the phone down, my roommate and I had a short debate on the issue.

Just tonight, my roommate saw on the news that a Jesuit priest commented that the issue is to allow Terri to die with dignity. Starving to death is definitely not a dignified way to go. And so the debate goes on.

And while it does, Terri's parents continue to urge Jeb Bush to intervene as Terri gets every inch closer to death.

Dondi Mapa wrote in his blog a few days ago about a relative who recently passed away and about how we die only if we have achieved what God has sent us here to do. I doubt very much if the debates will help Terri more than it will help those who will continue living long after she has gone.

Personally, I must admit that Terri's case got me thinking about mortality. About how I'm living my life and how I want to die. About how far I would go to sustain a seriously ill loved one.

As for Terri, I can only offer her a prayer. A prayer that when her job here is done, she leaves behind a society made better, not worse, by the lessons I hope we can all draw from her life.

Raul Locsin's Verses

2005-03-19T00:12:00.000+08:00

While scrounging around my desk tonight as I sorted the office work I took home for the weekend, I stumbled upon a pamphlet I was meaning to write about last month.

It contained verses excerpted from the late Raul Locsin's love letters to his wife, Letty. Some of these lines apparently first saw print in a Valentine's Day special of the Chronicle Magazine many years ago.

After RL (as some of us called BusinessWorld's Big Boss) passed away a couple of years ago, Misis (our term of endearment for the paper's matriarch) published this collection in his memory.

Like a number of my contemporaries at the paper, I learned early on about RL's love of poetry as he would on occasion recite a few lines while smoking his cigar. Still, I was surprised by the passion in this collection.

From romantic...

"What I would give to be with you on a Sunday like this --
to lie down beside you and not care whether the sun rises or not.
To feel in your presence the warmth, the peace
and contentment of the quiet morning.
You dozing with that beautiful half smile on your lips;
I kissing you welcome to the morning,
drawing you from the mists of sleep.
And your eyes, soft with love and tenderness."

To sensual...

"My dearest, I will make love to you
as you have never been loved before.
And I will leave you weak and consumed
by the intensity of this our sacred marriage,
so that like the parched desert
you may not know any sky
but only the rain of my love thundering on you
as I empty all the life in me
into the quivering warmth of your wanting womb.
And when we are both spent,
then you'll know that you will never look
at any man that is not me
and you will never know
any manliness but mine."

RL himself knew the boldness in his prose, as he wrote:

"At the rate some of our verses go,
we can't possibly publish them for posterity,
seeing how so much of our posteriors are showing."

Belated Happy Valentine's Day. :)

Writer's Note: Fired

2005-03-12T22:31:00.000+08:00

That's what would happen to me if I were doing this for a living. Parts 2 and 3 of The Tao of Blogging are overdue! Got more material though. :)

The Bridget Project - Day 23

2005-03-12T21:51:00.000+08:00

Twenty-three days into the program and I am back to square one, at least as far as my weight is concerned. This is good, considering that I recovered after backsliding on Day 10.

The trick? Enough work at the office to make me skip my meals!

The next step now is to improve my endurance so I can safely go back to practicing Taekwondo by April. Ruth, a former teammate at UP Diliman, has convinced me to join her every Saturday afternoon at the Claret gym.

My roommate and I are also seriously considering a variation of the suggestion made by Dennis Valdes (who, by the way, recovered very well from his back injury and reported for work about a week ago). Dennis suggested a late night walk. Looks like we may take one early in the morning instead since my roommate usually gets home from work past 11pm. Also, our son is now on his summer vacation so I am sure we can manage this new program.

Moi = 15 days nicotine-free; 168 lbs.

The Bridget Project - Day 10

2005-02-27T17:27:00.000+08:00

This is turning out to be more difficult than I thought. Last week was a particularly tough one.

I was able to resist lighting a cigarette while unwinding at Elbow Room in Podium last Tuesday night. Nick, Joanna and I decided to have a few drinks and billiards after an afternoon celebration-cum-rally at the EDSA People Power monument. I survived the smoke-filled hall and my first taste of alcohol since New Year's Eve although I had the worst game ever.

Friday night was a different story. I was in Subic for a two-day seminar with some colleagues. A drink of scotch, two bottles of San Miguel Light and our group's horrendous attempt at Bohemian Rhapsody on the MagicSing did me in. The only redeeming part of this story is that I could not stand the taste of the cigarette past the third puff.

As soon as I got home late Saturday afternoon, I was on the bathroom scale before grabbing a quick shower. It read 170 pounds!

I wonder if there's any truth to what some of my friends have been saying -- that I'm more likely to gain weight as I try to quit smoking.

Moi = 2 days nicotine-free; 170 lbs.

Will need to take corrective action this week!

Phantom and the opera

2005-02-20T21:11:00.000+08:00

Having spent the better part of the day with the kids at Market!Market!, my roommate and I got a double treat yesterday – an early evening walk around the UP academic oval and a late night trip to the movie theater.

What was our movie of choice for the rare, guilt-free night away from the kids? Phantom of the Opera. We briefly considered Constantine but we both thought it was still too soon for us to watch Keanu Reeves in another anti-hero role after the Matrix trilogy. We were prepared though to get disappointed even as we decided to watch Phantom.

We have never seen other movie versions nor read the 1911 book of Gaston Leroux, but my roommate and I have been big fans of the musical since the late 80s.

We memorized most of the songs, thanks to our friend and fellow college dormer Nick Pacis. Conveniently enough, Nick left his libretto with us while he went touring around the world as a member of the UP Concert Chorus. So my roommate fancied himself as the Phantom and I, Christine -- although I bet I fit the role of Carlotta better!

It also didn’t help that my roommate worked for a newspaper where the movie was more or less panned by one of the columnists, who said that the Broadway version was better.

The trouble with Phantom is that it came on the heels of two very bombastic musicals – Moulin Rouge and Chicago – where the soulful solos were few and far between. In contrast, one can really look forward to only one grand production number with Phantom, Masquerade!, which opened Act 2 in the stage version.

As my roommate commented, it has the same pace as Les Miserables (the other Cameron Mackintosh production which was a big hit in the mid-80s), making it relatively less exciting when translated to film. If it had followed Evita on the silver screen in the 90s, perhaps the reception of the movie-going public would have been different.

I was fidgety at the start of the movie because of some awkward moments but I appreciated the fact that the musical arrangement was mostly unchanged. Because the visuals were not as exciting to me, I had some difficulty stopping myself from closing my eyes, moving my hand to every note and lipsynching!

I was also distracted by Minnie Driver’s Carlotta and the Phantom, who looked for a while like Antonio Banderas in a mask.

Ms. Driver struck me as someone playing an actress playing Carlotta, who plays the three leads in Hannibal, Il Muto and Don Juan. She was mildly amusing but she didn’t connect with me, which is unfortunate because I generally like her as an actress.

As for the Phantom, I was expecting a much older looking guy – much like Peter OToole’s Anton Bosnyak to Jodie Foster’s Zoe Alexander in the 1983 made-for-TV movie Svengali. I suppose this casting was strategic in that viewers will tend to be more sympathetic to a disfigured Antonio Banderas.

This is not to say that we didn’t enjoy the movie.

I particularly liked the second half. Maybe that’s because I slept through a big chunk of it while watching the play a few years back. (I was on a hectic business trip in New York and was dead tired by the time I made it to the theater. I was probably snoring too, judging from the looks on the faces of the couple seated next to me.)

I bet some purists shook their heads as the dance teacher explained to the Vicomte de Chagny the origins of the Phantom. But, I didn’t mind it too much. OK, it’s been sexed up. But you can’t expect a producer to turn a play into a movie without making a few adjustments to guarantee its commercial success, right? Besides, like many Phantom fans, I always found the second half of the play as the weaker one.

The chase was also more exciting on film. Because the movie provided close-ups and different camera angles while the Phantom was being hunted down by the mob, I got a chance to focus on the characters and develop some empathy.

Another commercially motivated add-on that I didn’t mind too much was the ending. While the play ended with the Phantom disappearing in a puff of smoke, the movie had a few extra scenes which, at least for me, were welcome.

Did I like it so much that I would watch it again? Probably not. But, I would consider buying the DVD so I could sing along at home. :)

Postscript: When we fell in love with Phantom in the 80s, my roommate and I started collecting some CDs with arias from various operas. Personally, I developed only a very brief liking for them. Not even a phase, more like an episode in my life. Then again, I was never the cultured one in our pair.

The Bridget Project - Day 1

2005-02-18T06:59:00.000+08:00

You know you are getting old when you have to intimately acquaint yourself with words like ischemia and myocardial infarction. You start your day with a bowl of oatmeal and frequently find your feet firmly planted on the bathroom scale.

After a couple of runs to the Cardinal Santos emergency room in less than two weeks, my roommate and I agreed to start this project together to improve our longevity -- stop smoking and lose wieght!

So far, here are the vital statistics:
Moi = 52 days nicotine-free; 168 lbs.
Roommate = 14 days nicotine-free; 228 lbs.

We hope we will succeed where Bridget Jones didn't.

Post-VD post : Bang-bang!

2005-02-15T07:29:00.000+08:00

Made a mental note yesterday morning about today's post -- a rejoinder to Manolo Quezon's hilarious Valentine's Day column on courtships gone bad (PDI, 14 Feb 2005 ). Bang-bang!

But as I'm sitting in front of my iBook and nursing a migraine, Magandang Umaga Bayan blares in the background with a blow-by-blow account of last night's bombings in the cities of General Santos, Davao and Makati.

My sister and I were both on EDSA early last night. I was northbound from Sucat where I visited her father-in-law's wake. She had to attend to something else at her Pasig home so she was just on her way to Sucat by the time I left.

It all seemed so surreal. When I got into the car, the news on the radio was about a blast in GenSan. Heard about Davao as the driver paid the toll and I dozed off in the back. By the time I got to my QC home at 8:10pm, the news on the radio was still about a bombing incident. It took a phone call from my roommate for me to realize it was about Makati. He knew I was on EDSA, so he was just checking if I was OK.

Immediately called my sister. Relieved to hear that she too was unhurt. "So, that's why there were so many police and emergency vehicles," she said. "Gotta go. I'm driving." I guess she doesn't listen to AM radio.

By the time I was online with Maan, trying out the new chat facility in her blog, I was already hypnagogic.

Before hitting the sack, I read the blog of Dennis on the Valentine's Day massacre a-la-Capone. Can't agree with him more.

Checked out Maan's this morning. It has a more comprehensive recording of yesterday's events, including Sister Lucia's death (one of the three children who witnessed the miracle of Our Lady of Fatima) and the new Bangko Sentral governor.

As for me, my brain refuses to get with the program. My initial excitement to have a feel-good post-Valentine's Day post was blown to bits with the bus in Makati last night.

Bang-bang indeed!

Postscript: What's with "Bang-bang?" There was a girl who caught her date sniffing his armpit, at which point he looked over his arm, pointed his index finger at her, and said, "bang,bang!"

Writer’s note: Verbose 2

2005-02-14T08:45:00.000+08:00

Maybe there is something to what my roommate said. My friend, Maan, commented that I sound like Sartre (French philosopher and existentialist) -- “Heavy on the head.”

I can just imagine Mrs. Locsin, BusinessWorld matriarch, peering over her eyeglasses, with eyebrows meeting and hands on her hips. “The #1 sign that your article is no good,” she once told us, “is when people need to consult a dictionary.”

Since blogs often reflect the blogger’s personality, I wonder what this says about me. Long-winded and complicated?

Well, at least, I’m all set for my doctorate. My dissertation should be a piece of cake.

Writer’s note: Verbose

2005-02-12T20:49:00.000+08:00

Noticing that I was at my iBook again this morning, my roommate and #1 critic said, “Your work needs to be edited. You are so verbose, like ****.”

“He’s not so bad,” I replied.

Then he answered, “Yeah? Try reading his column.”

I was about to say “I do” when I did a double-take, realizing that I never did FINISH reading any of the guy’s work. So I said, “You can edit my work on the day that you will let me write for your paper.”

And that was that. I had the last word. Never mind that it was only because he was late for a Press Council meeting.

THE TAO OF BLOGGING – Part 1: All Shapes and Sizes

2005-02-12T20:46:00.000+08:00

If you are reading this blog, you probably have a blog of your own. And if you do, chances are, you’ve read somewhere that a blog is “short for Web log or a Web page that serves as a publicly accessible personal journal. Typically updated daily, blogs often reflect the personality of the author.”

I got the above definition from my friend Maan, president of the Philippine Internet Commerce Society. The group recently had its first Web conference and the topic was blogging.

It’s a pity I missed that event since I think my roommate would be more appreciative if I put my energies into blogging for business rather than to record my ramblings. Unless, of course, he is simply thankful that I no longer take too much out of his reading and TV time!

I was introduced to the idea about three years ago by JV, a former colleague. Itching to get “published” again, but this time on topics more exciting than economic indicators and corporate profiles, I attempted to brush up on my HTML. When that proved to be too tedious, I tried an instant website with Yahoo! but nothing came out of that as well.

I immediately signed up when I heard about Blogspot.Com last year but I never had the time to use it. So, by end-2004, blogging was added to my long “to-do” list, along with writing a book and finishing my MBA.

I finally got started two days ago, encouraged by Dennis, who sent an SMS which read: “Don’t break your back just to get started blogging!”

For the benefit of my friend, Mark, who commented that blogs were for geeks, bloggers come in all shapes and sizes. His observation could have been true about three years ago, when I first heard about it from JV. But, today, he is way off the mark! (pun intended)

There is Dennis, my bedridden CEO/millionaire friend and former boss, who needs to keep himself entertained while a back brace keeps him in bed. He is like Cary Grant in Rear Window, getting more restless by the day as his body continues to recover from a terrible accident. (While on a business trip in India three weeks ago, the helicopter he was riding crashed, leaving three injured and the pilot still comatose as of yesterday.)

Only blogging isn’t nearly half as dangerous as spying on the neighbors with your binoculars. Then again, I suspect that his neighbors in posh North Forbes are also nowhere near as exciting to spy on since their houses are likely to be empty half of the time.

With blogging, the tables are turned on Dennis. Friends like me are spying on him (and whispering to each other, wondering if his usually very active self will go nuts soon).

Then, there is Dondi, a newbie but highly placed government official tasked with using information and communications technology (ICT) in our country’s continuing fight against poverty. He also uses his blog to share his travels and experiences as a public servant.

Lastly, there is Jose, the guy who got the URL http://hypnopompic.blogspot.com . He is the reason why I had to settle for this porno-site sounding address I’m using right now. I visited his blog to see if he is anything like me. Turns out he is Pinoy, hangs out in Glorietta and likes Ragnarok. My roommate suspects the guy is also a Gaiman fan.

To get a better picture of the diversity in content (and blogger profiles) that’s available, I checked out Blogger.com’s list of notable blogs today. It’s obviously a broad spectrum.

On one end, you have a blogger narrating on a daily basis the things his/her flatmate does that annoys him/her (ihatemyflatmate.blogspot.com). Then, on the other end, there’s a girl sharing her experience at the recent elections in Iraq (riverbendblog.blogspot.com).

Bloggers are therefore as diverse as the reasons for blogging. Some do it just to get something off their chest while others do it for a cause.

And since blogging is perhaps this decade’s fastest way to share one’s ideas with the rest of the world, this is where some of the fiercest battles for the freedom of expression will be fought.

Coming soon:
PART 2 – Article 19
PART 3 – Secret Life

An excuse and a wish

2005-02-10T21:58:00.000+08:00

The not quite dreamlike states in the moments between waking and sleep (called hypnagogic) and between sleep and waking (you guessed it, hypnopompic) have been widely reported as conducive to extraordinary or anomalous experiences or phenomena. Sometimes, pop culture refers to it as twilight zone.

Personally, I feel these are the moments when I'm most creative -- just leaving the realm of the Sandman and entering reality.

When I was starting out as a writer in a business newspaper over a decade ago, I slept with my yellow pad paper at my bedside. My roommate would stare each time I suddenly sat up in bed to scribble something just when she was sure I was already snoring.

Since I stopped writing for a living almost seven years ago, I lost the reason (but not necessarily the urge) for keeping writing materials by my bed. Of course, it helped that my current roommate (who moved into my bed on that fateful night in January 1996) kept me distracted enough to have no time or energy left to write in bed.

Unlike my early days as a writer, my episodes are now more hypnopompic rather than hypnagogic, thanks to two more roommates (an eight-year-old and a one-year-old). Almost in dreamlike fashion, I'm up at the wee hours of the morning making sure one is ready for school and the other gets properly fed.

Just before I get ready for work myself, I have my quiet time - mostly spent meditating on the spiritual but sometimes on things mundane. It is this time when I really wake up to the realities of the day - sometimes rudely - with my cup of coffee and a heavy dose of early morning news courtesy of Magandang Umaga Bayan.

Now, that seems like a logical reason for putting "Hypnopompic" in this blog's title, right? Not to mention that it is also my not-so-subtle way of telling readers that I cannot be held responsible for the things I write here since I'm "going through an extraordinary or anomalous - almost paranormal - experience."

Why "Endlessly?" Other than it's my salute to the magnificent work of Neil Gaiman (for me one of the great minds of our time, no matter what the literati will say), I get the sense that, in a way, we really are always in that state of consciousness before waking. Waking to the real reasons for our individual existence. When do we fully wake? I don't know. Maybe when we reach a ripe, old age? Or maybe when we finally meet the Maker?

So, I'm starting this blog with the wish that "Endlessly Hypnopompic" will help me chronicle and perhaps aid me in completing this waking process. Hopefully, readers will eventually contribute their own perspectives on the issues or ideas in this blog -- doesn't matter if they do it like my son's alarm clock (harsh like a school bell but sure to wake you up) or my PDA (with its gentle beeping that never fails to fail in waking me up).

Will do my best to stop myself from hitting the snooze button. :)